body image · happiness · health · shoulder devil

i have a lot of life yet to live

I just looked back at my first post. September 2, 2010.  That’s over 6 years ago!  I cringe, reading those old posts!  Even then, they were very much about finding balance and finding myself.  But I have come a long way in the “finding myself” realm.  I had a whole series of posts documenting my HCG diet and weight loss.  It’s all misery and pain!  It’s me, trying to pump myself up and have self control. The thing is, I DID have periods of self control.   And I DID lose weight.  But then I put it right back on.  And then I took it off again.  But then I put it right back on.  I sense a pattern.

At the age of 45 I am still finding myself.  I still battle daily with loving my physical self. Unfortunately, that battle translates to not fully loving and accepting my WHOLE self.  I am constantly trying to find balance between taking proper care of my physical self and loving myself just the way I am.  My little shoulder devil whispers things in my ear.  He tells me that I should be able to eat whatever I want.  He tells me that everyone else is just vain and that it shouldn’t matter what I look like.  Then he tells me that I’m not good enough, and if I lost weight I might be good enough.  And so my thoughts go round and round.

I’m definitely in a better place than I USED to be.  There’s something to be said for that. But you’d think I’d have things all figured out by now.

My body has started aging rapidly in the past year.  Of course, I haven’t run in the past year either.  I have aches and pains that have come to visit.  I keep injuring arms and knees – and I don’t even know how!  I don’t fit into my pants.  I don’t fit into my temple dress!  I’m a little embarrassed wearing it.

Finding myself at the age of 45 needs to include finding my healthy body.  I do love myself.  I know who I am.  I have a wonderful life, with an amazing husband and children.  I have opportunities to serve and learn and play and grow.  I have a lot of life yet to live!  I want to feel good.  I want to love ALL of me.

And I want my shoulder devil to go away once and for all!

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