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are occasional meltdowns allowed?

day 11 continued…..
Those sugar free chocolate pecan delights didn’t make it. They surrendered to me about an hour later. I felt so guilty (and plus, they were 75 calories a piece) that I didn’t eat anything else until dinner. I’m not sure it was worth it. Maybe it was. I enjoyed them thoroughly, and, while I was hungry that day, I had it in my mind that I was NOT going to give in. It wasn’t too mentally hard after my initial cave-in. Dinner didn’t fill me very well though. I was inwardly cranky again. This crankiness manifests itself by me getting quiet and short tempered with the kids. Fortunately, it’s not out of control.

Day 11 – 133.8 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. Honestly, I don’t remember this day. The days are blurring into eachother. Let’s see, it was Wednesday…… Oh wait! I do remember! This was the day I had a meltdown of massive proportions. So, in the morning before school, I had taken the kids to WalMart so that I could get a little treat for the Kindergartners that I would be reading with that morning in my son’s class. He picked out gummie life savers. NO temptation there for me. But the kids also saw a display of Mother’s Frosted Circus Animal Cookies. You know, the white and pink ones with rainbow sprinkles. I caved. We got them with the intent that they would be after school snacks for the kids. Well, we went straight to the school, and I didn’t want to leave them in the car, or they would totally melt while I was inside. This is May in Arizona, let me remind you. I started reading with the kids. I do this one on one in a little room off to the side of the classroom. You have to walk in there to see me. After about kid #5, I quickly opened up that evil bag and popped a cookie. Yes! And then it got out of control. After each kid, I ate another cookie. Sometimes 2, if the next kid took a while to get there. I figure that was about 20 cookies. When I was done, I said my goodbyes to everyone and got back in the car to drive home, where I quickly popped about another 20 frosted nuggets of heaven. I nearly slapped myself after each one, but there they still were, tempting me. I threw them away, and ate nothing else for the rest of the day. Literally. Water doesn’t count. OK, now that was bordering on “eating disorder” territory. And I am NOT going there. I know I have issues, but I’m not going to go psycho over this. I wasn’t even hungry for the rest of the day. I felt a litle sick, and I prepped myself for the runs.

Day 12 – 133.2 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. I had a little more control yesterday. OK, a lot more control. But I did make one big mistake. After lunch I ate an oatmeal bar. It was 220 calories. I’m not sure why I ate it. Yes, it looked really good and, and it WAS really good, but I was kinda full BEFORE I ate it. So I knew that I would not be able to eat dinner. DANG! Blew it for myself again! When will I ever learn? I thought I would atleast maintain the weight becasue I had not overdosed on my calories for the day. Thing is, they were the wrong TYPE of calories. In that oatmeal bar, I consumed 4 grams of fat, 43 carbs, and 19 gram of sugar. Yikes! In my normal life, I would have considered that a good breakfast. But in this 26 day life, it is NOT!

I met up with my friend who is doing the HCG thing with me. She had my HCG diet practitioners guide. Right away, she announced that she was done. What!? She hadn’t dropped a pound this time around, and she was beating herself up. She loves to cycle, but has zero energy for that right now. She said that mentally, she just wasn’t up for it. I don’t blame her. She is at a good weight for her, she is very active and healthy, and she needs to not be miserable. End of story.

So why am I doing this? I told her about how my hubby is super supportive of me in this, but that I am a little annoyed, because it seems that food and calories and carbs is all he talks about. Well, that, and cars. He is skinny as a rail. He is very healthy, but he can’t seem to stop there. I know he dreams of me being a slender, toned wife. What guy doesn’t dream of that? But I don’t think I will ever be that. He regularly talks about how all I have to do is target those trouble areas (that’s my thighs and butt), and I’ll get there. He has said that for years! Now, I realize that when I complain about my body, he just wants to fix things for me. I understand that he really does want to support me and make things right. He’s even sweet about it! That’s just the man in him. I’m grateful. Truly I am. But in saying all of this, my friend asked me, “Why are you doing this? Is it for yourself, or for your husband?” OK, a hand might as well have slapped me in the face right then. I have often asked myself that question. Now, I really, truly would love to have a slender, toned body. Of course! But the fact that I hide me sugar binges from my hubby, and have the stranges issues with food, tells me that I am not trying to help myself, but hide from my him.

My good friend then told me about when she first married her husband. My friend is about 5’5″, 170 lbs and her husband is about 5’6″, 160 lbs. He, too, is a cyclist, but he is slight of frame. She says he is not a big eater, but he doesn’t worry about what he eats either. He cycles a lot, and he has a very different metabolism than her. At the beginning of their relationship, he would buy her diet and exercize books as gifts. Oooohhh. That is the first carnal law of what NOT to get your new wife for a gift! She laid it all out on the line some time after that. She compared herself to some of their other cycling buddies. One, was a girl who was tiny and petite and cute and a vegetarian. All the things he might like. But she was a total slob and had an out of control life. Another girl was also tiny and petite and cute and athletic, but she was a total wench! He agreed. Then she talked about herself. She was cute and big boned, had toned legs, was a great homemaker, was fun to be around, and loved him more than anyone else could. She said that that did it for him. He has never bugged her about her body again.

What I need to do is say, “I need you to do something for me. I need for you to not talk about food and exercize. I think I need to do this for myself. This needs to be one thing that is not a partnership, because it’s not working for me. I am not as strong as you. I want to be, but I’m not. The approach that you are taking with helping me, is back firing. I have to do this FOR MYSELF, and not for you. I need you to compliment me and support me by cheering for me, not by trying to fix it for me. I don’t want to feel guilty when I have a little treat. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide things from you because I’m afraid I will disappoint you.” Yeah, I could go on and on. Problem is, when I’m face to face with someone, I have a hard time saying what I have want to say. Nothing comes to my mind. I get rushed, and then I start to sound “blamey”. There is nothing to blame here. He just needs to know that I have a problem, and that I have to solve it on my own.

Good. Lots to think about.

That evening, in addition to my little meals, I did have a little “illegal” bite of something here and little “illegal” bite of something there, and then a small pile of pasta at dinner. Shouldn’t have had the pasta. I had made a small batch to go with the kids’ meal. Turns out they didn’t really like it (won’t be making that again), and so I finished their’s off. Oops. It was that cheap, out of a package stuff too, that had butter and herbs on it. Regretting….

Day 13 – 133.2 lbs (sorta) – 500 Calorie Day. I say “sorta” because I actually had put weight on. When I weighed in at 5:45 am, I was at 133.8. I knew it! I had hoped that after eating that pasta, I would just maintain my weight from the day before, but nope. Amazing how much body weight can fluctuate on this stuff! I’m so curious what will happen when I get on a regular diet. I went to my boot camp and weighed again. I was back to 133.2 lbs. So yes, I’m cheating a bit. I will eat light today and hopefully drop a tiny bit by morning again. It is 1pm right now and I am doing fine. I did eat half and apple before the workout and half after. Looking forward to hot mustard chicken!

I keep thinking about who I am doing this for. I think this particular regiment is for me. I want to prove to myself that I can stick with it. Plus, I am just so curious to see how much I can drop before the shots run out.

Bad news…… we are going to Disneyland next Friday and Saturday. Can you believe I am calling that bad news? Well, it is, becuase the nurse who gave me the HCG supplies said that I need to continue on with the cycle, hard as it will be, because DLand will be on days 20 and 21, and they will be wasted if I stop for a couple of days. In other words, I can’t just stop the HCG for 2 days and then pick it up again when I get back. The HCG will be out of my system by then, and I won’t be able to get back on it for another 6 weeks. My other alternative is to stop the cycle 3 days before going to DLand, but that would be on day 17, and I would not be even close to my goal weight, which is 125, by the way. This is going to be the ultimate test. I am thinking that if I can just maintain my weight for those 2 days, I’ll be good. I worry about having energy to go, go, go all day long! I wouldn’t be going, except that our good friends from Denver are coming in and want us to go with them. Really, I can’t say no. I’ll be enjoying their delicious apples and meat on a stick and salads, plain. Holy crap! How and I going to do this!

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