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longing…. longing

I’m not very good at logging in every day, am I. I’m starting day 8, so I’ll have to give you the back-report.

Day 5 – Weight: 138.8 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. Down 2 lbs! Now I’m thinking, “That would be phenomenal if I did this every day!” But I’m really only hoping for 20 lbs. total. I think that is more realisitic for my current body weight. I think the HCG was kicking in by now because I didn’t feel starving all day. But I long for variety and convenience and sugar and bread. It is so mental for me. I’m holding very true, but I’m not afraid to admit that this his hard. It kind of sucks at moments. Overall, I’m proud of myself and confident. Hit a road bump in the evening. I commited to make homemade bluberry muffins for the kids for teacher appreciation week. I bought all the ingredients and made these beautiful jumbo muffins. They smelled amazing. With the extra batter I made little muffins for the kids, and then before they went to bed, they got to eat some. That tested me. They were hot! They were asking me to put BUTTER in them! They smelled amazing! OK, before I went to bed I quietly popped a little tiny one. It was yummy. Not amazing, but different, sweet, and chewy. And I felt guilty. Dang!

Day 6 – Weight: 137.8 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. Phew! Still down a pound from yesterday. Well, sortof. I weighed myself at 5:45 that morning, and I was actually only at 138.4. But then I went to my Boot Camp class, and when I weighed myslef again after arriving home, I was at 137.8. I wrote down the lower weight. Is that cheating? I felt OK during the workout. Not unusually lethargic. I ate half an apple before going (and after weighing myself), and half and apple when I got back (but after weighing myself). I will say that I was tired the whole day, though. I lacked energy. That night we all stayed home. It was Friday night. I was bummed about just being home because I thought that we were going to be going out of town overnight. I had packed and prepared for that, but then hubby wanted to stay home and watch the NBA playoff games and lay low. The kids watched movie upstairs with buttered popcorn, and I just went crazy in my head. I was a little pouty. I went to sleep before everyone. I popped one tiny muffin earlier in the day, and a single popcorn piece that night. I enjoyed the salty, buttery popcorn more than the sweet muffin bite. Kindof beat myself up over the muffin bite. Really? Why can’t I have absolute control? I SO want to get to that point. The thing that really gets me is that hubby is doing this with me. He’s thin as a rail. He’s not doing the HCG shots, but he eats what I eat (atleast when he’s around me) and he weighs himself every day. He is majorly competetive with himself. He likes to know that he has absolute control over his appetites. He is being a support to me. He’s so sweet and helpful, but he talks about it like its easy and no big deal. I just grin and go along, and remember that this is his way of being supportive. And he IS supportive. I do feel that.

Day 7 – 136.8 lbs. – 500 Calorie Day. That was yesterday. It was actually a pretty good day. My appetite is little. We did go up North to the cabin yesterday – just for the day. On the way, we stopped at Arby’s to get sandwiches for the kids. They weren’t so tempting for me. Yes, I would have enjoyed one very much, but I was fine. Hubby is very good about making sure each move is OK for me, so as to not make things harder on me. Really, when he is around, I have so much control. I want to PROVE to him that I can do it. I prepared food for the kids and passed it back in the car, and everything! Hubby ate the meat out of on of the roast beef sandwiches, dipped in sauce. He handed me a little bite. 🙂 It was yummy, but I made no deal out of it. I had eaten an apple that morning, to get me to lunch, which I would not be eating until 1:30 or 2. As soon as we got to the cabin, I made a little lunch for Marv and I, consisitng of Red Hot Chicken and celery sticks. I LOVE the chicken! Even with no butter, each bite is fantastic. The whole 3.5 ounce rule kindof stinks, though. I could eat so much more. And the plain celery is major boring. I dipped that in the sauce too. In the afternoon, we were all outside playing football and baseball. My daughter took my water bottle and put mint leaves in it to “make it flavorful”. Yeah, it was gross, but I thoght that was cute that even the kids are looking for ways to be supportive of me. Dinner was steak and cucumbers. The meat is easy. Lots of variety. But the vegetables drive me crazy. The selection is limited. Asparagus is allowed, and I really like that, so I should eat that more often. The lettuce thing bugs me, becuase we can’t have anything on it except balsamic vinegar or lemon. I can’t do that. I dream about the kinds of salads I’ll eat when I am done with this 21 day HCG cycle. All afternoon and evening I was surprisingly satisfied. So glad! The kids ate macarroni and chesse (that my daughter made from scratch, so I didn’t have to), Red Hot Chicken (I made a big batch the right way, with butter), and cucumber slices. It was a great feast. Hubby did eat a little more chichen than I did, and I am very careful to remind him that he should eat more. He’s bigger than I, he is not taking the HCG to suppress his appetite, and he HAS no fat to lose. I am hoping that he eats more when he’s not with me. Stupid me – AS I was heading to my bed at 10:45 last night, I popped a single chocolate Easter Egg. Just a small one, maybe the equivelant of 3 MnM’s. I let it melt in my mouth. Wow! But was it really worth is? I had to sneak it! And who, exactly am I hiding from? My hubby? My kids? Myself? I was, and am, mad at myself.

Day 8 – Weight: 136.2 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. Am I only down a half pound because of that stupid chocolate egg? I’m mad! But I can’t be too mad, because it’s Mother’s Day! Hubby bought steak and lobster and shrimp for me. WooHoo! Yes, I can only enjoy 1 variety per meal, and I can’t have anything dipped in butter, but it’s going to be a delectible sea food week, nonetheless! I had requested crab and apsaragus for my mother’s day dinner. He went a little crazy. 🙂 At church, we, the mothers, will receive a box of chocolates. My kids will enjoy that very much. haha. My stomach is growling a little this morning. Mornings are always the hardest. Once I get lunch, I feel so much better. I plan to report tomorrow that I did not cheat today.

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