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i don’t believe in diets, but here i am

When I first heard of women doing this “HCG” diet, I thought it was crazy. OK, I still think it’s crazy. Injecting excessive amounts of female “pregnancy” hormones into one’s body? But here I am, on the HCG diet. I’ve never been on a diet. Not a real one. I’ve told myself every day of my life that I will eat better and change my “lifestyle”, as they say. And every day, at about 2:00 in the afternoon, I binge on whatever I can find, and tell myself that it’s OK because I’m going to do better tomorrow. Besides, I am very faithful about exercizing. I live in complete denial, blaming my sugar addictions and poor eating habits on the world. The WORLD expects us to look a certain way! The WORLD makes it so hard for us to eat right! I’ve rationalized that I am not overweight, so I’m fine. Well now I find myself at my highest weight of 144 lbs. No, that’s not huge. But it’s all relative. And the number “144” is a gross! You hear that? A gross! That just isn’t right! I have always been slender, and now I am just over the recommended weight range for my height, which is 5’5″. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that my husband is very slender (just as sexy as the day I married him), and very health conscious. I, on the other hand, eat horribly! (I’m definitely a closet eater – which is the worst sort) I excercize faithfully, to no avail (because of the horrible eating), and I am having to buy new shorts every summer and jeans every winter. For the first time ever, I hate getting dressed, because nothing fits, and I SEE myself looking all funky shaped and pudgy. I wouldn’t say that I have a poor body image. I never really have before. But I am very aware of my steadily increasing size.

My husband came home a few months ago and asked if I would have any interest in the HCG diet. He has easy access to the HCG through his line of work. I was leary, because I know that I have never really stuck to something like that before. He told me that a bunch of the nurses at the hospital he works at had done the diet and were losing crazy amounts of weight. I was actually a little surprised that he would be OK with the idea. He’s more about having self control and living a healthy lifestyle…… which is NOT working for me and my weak self! He brought home a practicioners guide to the diet, which I finally read through. Summer is quickly approaching. I thought it was now or never.

I discovered that a friend of mine, who had recently lost 25 lbs, had done it through the HCG diet. I had no idea! So I picked her brain about it and she said that she totally wants to do it again. I was actually very glad to hear her say that it was doable. I have imagined it being absolute torture, which is why I had not jumped on it right away. She has another 25 lbs to lose, and she said that if I wanted to do it, she’d do it with me and we could be support for each other. This was last Thursday. We started Sunday.

Now, the night before, I had a crazy night. I felt nervous and anxious, and had the craziest food dreams. Maybe this is a good sign that I’m actually committed? Hoping so. It did cost money, which is an incentive. It is only a 23 day cycle, which is not an eternity. I’m supposed to be able to lose a pound a day, if I am strict and exact, which is encouraging. I’m on day 4 right now. Here’s the low-down so far…..

Day 1 – Weight: 143.2 lbs – Binge Day. Yes, you heard it right, a binge day. I took an HCG shot first thing in the morning and weighed myself. These are daily staples dring this program. Then I spent the rest of the day eating as much as I wanted. I mean anything! We went to Tucson that day for a baby blessing, so there was a 6 hours block of time that I didn’t get to eat at all, but other than that it was bluberr pancakes with peanut butter and syrup, sub sandwiches on croissant rolls, jello pudding, dessert, dessert and more dessert. I had a very strange sense of guilt. My mind kept telling me, “You really shouldn’t eat that. You are, after all, on a diet”. It was probably the only day I can ever recall feeling bad for doing something I was supposed to do.

Day 2 – Weight: 142 lbs – Binge Day. What? Supposedly these binge days were for a purpose. To prepare myself for utter starvation, perhaps? This day was easier. Didn’t have to talk myself into eating – a lot. I ate a half gallon of mint chocolate chip icecream, a full meal at In-N-Out Burger, cold cereal for breakfast, pasta for dinner. I felt sick. But not guilty. Guess I was enoying my “last meal”. This night I slept a little uncomfortable again.

Day 3 – Weight: 144 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. For real? Yes. And only very specific foods are allowed. No starches (except a tiny grissini bread stick at dinner and lunch), no sugars, no butter, fat, or oils. In the meat department, only 3.5 ounces at lunch and dinner. In the vegeatble department, only 1-2 cups of certain veggies – very small selection. No mixing the veggies in any given meal. In the fruit department, only one apple, or 1 orange, or 4 strawberries, or a half a grapefruit at lunch and dinner. No mixing fruits. In the drink deparment, only plain coffee (I’m not a coffee drinker), tea (I can do herbal tea), and water. And I’m supposed to drink a gallon a day! Needless to say, I had the runs all day on day 3! What else could I expect after eating so much fat the day before, and then drinking a gallon of water! I was hungry from about 7am-7pm. Breakfast is only coffee or tea, and I spread lunch out throughout the day. An hour after dinner, I was hungry again. But all in all, I was fine. I text my HCG friend daily to get support, empathy, and ideas. I can do this! I just need to get past this sugar withdrawl and let the HCG kick in so that I’ll have less of an apetite. That’s all.

Day 4 – Weight: 140.8 lbs – 500 Calorie Day. Really? I’m still hungry from yesteray! I got some crystal light to jazz up the water. I pee every hour all day long, by the way! My husband brought me home a little chunk of steak and some grilled asparagus from a work dinner he had last night. I technically shouldn’t have eaten it because I’m sure it was grilled with butter and/or olive oil, but I rinsed them off and warmed them up anyways. Added to that 4 strawberries, a grissini bread stick, and my jug of flavored water. I ate with a knife and fork in front of the tv, and had myself quite the feast. Seriously, I savored every bite. Took nearly a half hour to eat my meager portions. Yes, I was hungry an hour late, but I came away from that meal feeling pretty happy. I can make it to dinner, where I will be eating grilled, seasoned chicken with spinach. I’ll squeeze fresh lemon over it all!

Everywhere I look, there are treats. My kids still have easter candy laying around. The pantry has cold cereal (a favorite snack of mine), and there are cookies and muffins in the freezer. I can’t grab a cheese stick or a a granola bar. I have to just keep drinking my water and waiting for my little dinner. I’m so curious to see what my weight does. I don’t have as much to lose as others and so I probaby won’t see the pounds drop as quickly as them, but because I am so suddenly eating crazy amazing, I EXPECT to see a difference.

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